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When Life Changes the Plan

Writer: Amy West
Amy West
Oct 2
6 min read


Between Us: A Quiet Place to Reflect

The lake is dark, the air has turned cold, and the water is rough enough that I catch myself thinking, This is not how this was supposed to go. My partner and I are on the boat, heading toward Charlevoix instead of Mackinac Island. Mackinac is the trip we have been talking about and imagining together for quite some time now. We picture the route, the stops along the way, the places we might explore, and what it will feel like to wake up on the boat knowing where we are headed next. Long before we leave the dock, part of the trip has already begun.


We imagine how it will feel. We look forward to it. We attach hope to it.

Then the weather changes. At first, we do what people do when a plan becomes uncertain. We check forecasts, look at waves, rethink the route, and talk through our options.


“This is what happens when we dream. We do not just make a plan. We begin living it.”


We make one decision and then another. Each decision is practical, and underneath all of that problem-solving, something else is happening. The trip we have already begun taking in our minds is slowly disappearing.

By the time we are crossing toward Charlevoix, I can feel how much I want certainty. I want to know what the new plan is. I want to know where we are going and that everything is going to be okay. The person beside me is dealing with the same changing trip, and he does not necessarily need what I need in that moment.

There are times when we work beautifully together. There are also moments when the disappointment and uncertainty begin to spill over into how we are with each other. One of us wants an answer while the other needs more time. One of us thinks we are helping while the other starts to feel judged or criticized. We are looking at the same problem, yet suddenly it no longer feels as though we are standing side by side.


I know this pattern.  I teach this pattern.

I still find myself right in the middle of it.

Maybe you know it too.


Your version may have nothing to do with a boat. Maybe the kids change the plan, money gets tight, a family gathering goes sideways, difficult news arrives, or something you have been counting on simply does not happen. At first, you are both facing the same problem. Then one of you talks more while the other gets quiet. One wants to make a decision while the other needs space to think. One person is thinking, I’m trying to help, while the other is wondering, Why are you making this harder?

What stays with me is how quickly this can happen. Two people can love each other, want the same thing, and still respond very differently when the dream changes. Somewhere in the stress and disappointment, the person who was standing beside you can start to feel like the person standing in your way.


…and then the evening changed


Then my son joins us for dinner, and the evening begins to feel lighter. Afterward, we step back out into the warm night with nowhere we need to be. Music is drifting through town, so we follow it. Around the corner, a live band is playing, and people are gathered nearby. We stop. We stay. We laugh.

At some point, I realize I am no longer thinking about Mackinac. I am simply here, walking through Charlevoix with two people I love, listening to music, enjoying the night, and letting the evening become whatever it is going to become. Later, the three of us end up back on the boat together. None of it is what I pictured.

The next morning, Charlevoix feels completely different. The sun is warm. I hear a child laughing in the splash pad nearby, my son is sleeping on the boat, my guy and I are enjoying the morning, and I catch myself smiling. I realize none of this is part of the trip we imagined.

As I sit there with two people I love, I notice I am not suddenly glad that Mackinac did not happen. I still wanted that trip. I still feel the disappointment of losing something we had been looking forward to. Yet I am also delighted by what is happening right in front of me.

I think we sometimes rush ourselves past this part. We want to get to gratitude, meaning, or the lesson before we have even admitted, This is not what I wanted. There is something freeing about allowing it to be true without making it the only truth.

I can be disappointed about the dream that changed and still notice what is unfolding in front of me. I can wish the person beside me had reacted differently and still become curious about what was happening for him. I can understand my own reaction without pretending everything I said or did was helpful.

Maybe this is one of the things relationships keep asking of us. We do not have to experience the same moment in the same way to remain connected. We do have to remember that the person beside us is still our partner, even when stress makes it tempting to treat them like the problem.


What I’ve been Reflecting on Lately


We are literally in the same boat, facing the same weather, wanting the same trip, and still having two different experiences of what is happening  – Neither of us has to be wrong.


This is one of the reasons why completing my IMAGO certification in June meant so much to me. After more than 26 years of working with people and relationships, I am still drawn to the moments when two people love each other, want to be connected, and still cannot quite understand why the other person is reacting the way they are.


I know those moments professionally, and I know them personally.

I know what it is like to listen well and then realize I have stopped listening because I am already reacting and preparing my response. I know what it is like to hear that someone I love experienced something differently and feel that little voice inside me saying, Yes, but if you could just understand my side... This is humbling, and it is part of why I keep learning.

What I value about IMAGO is that it asks us to slow down before we assume we already understand the other person’s experience. It invites us to become curious enough to ask, What is this like for you? What am I not understanding yet? Can I listen to your experience without giving up my own? These questions sound simple until you are tired, hurt, disappointed, afraid, or certain that your perspective makes more sense.

I keep doing this work in my own life because I am a perfectly imperfect human, and I know what it is like to get caught in these moments. I want the people I work with to know that I understand how hard this can be and that there are ways to move through it with more awareness, connection, and hope. I am a guide and a teacher, and I am also a fellow traveler. I teach what I believe in, what I practice, and what I am still learning myself.

This is what relational safety means to me more and more. It is not two people reacting the same way or agreeing about everything. It is knowing what is happening inside yourself while making room for the possibility that the person beside you may be having a very different experience. The dream can change. We can be disappointed. We can even get frustrated with each other. Most importantly, we can still remember that we are on the same team.


The next time you notice tension building with someone you love, especially when something has not gone the way either of you hoped, pause before explaining your side. Ask: “What is this like for you?”

Then listen long enough to learn something you did not already know. You do not have to agree with their experience. You do not have to fix it. You are simply making room for the possibility that there is more happening than what you can see from where you are standing. That small act of curiosity can change a conversation.

Stay Connected

This is the work I want to keep exploring with you through The Relational Safety Movement. Not how to do relationships perfectly, but how to understand ourselves, understand each other, and care for the connection between us when life gets hard.

I am grateful to keep learning and practicing alongside you.


A Thought To Ponder

The dream may have to change. We do not have to lose each other with it.


Warmly,


Amy West, MSW

Founder, CUP-Health

Creating Unlimited Possibilities

October 2026








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